Ask Grandma Sweeney
by SexxiGogglz
Summary: Sweeney Todd starts an advice column and becomes a bit more outgoing. It's a bit OOC at some parts and it's my first story, but I hope you'll like it and help it improve! Disclaimer: I'm nothing but a teenage writer wanna-be and own nada of importance.
1. The First QuestionThe Shortish Chapter

Dear Grandma Sweeney,

I was wondering where you got your awesome gloves...and I wanted to ask why Mrs. Lovett is a Mrs.

Your Friendly-friend,

me.

Dear Me,

You really couldn't think up a better name?

Anyways, I acquired my gloves sometime while traveling around the world then got dumped in the ocean somehow and some sailor guy (who can be surprisingly girly) "saved" me. It was a bit of a traumatic experience, and then I got told I'm going back to London and have to think up a new name, so I didn't have much time to think about trivial things like that, but than you for your lovely concern for my life.

And for your other question, I really have no idea when Mrs. Lovett got married because I have better things to do (like avenging my wife's death) than poking around in people's personal lives.

By the way, how are you my friend if I don't know you? Are you watching me? You better hope I don't catch you on Fleet Street one day!

Watch out,

Grandma Sweeney.


	2. Double Questions, Ads, and Help Wanted

**I really hope you all like the story, it's fun to write! And I'll answer all questions sent in that are appropriate and worth writing to me. ( Which is most things)**

**I'm doing two questions this time 'cuz they're really short. (Sorry!)**

**QUESTION #1**

Dearest Grandma Sweeney,

Can I hug you? Just for one (long) moment?

I'd be forever in your debt.

Sincerely with tons of hope,

Laura

Dear Laura,

Laura isn't a very original name. It's a person's name. Something like...Hugseeker would be apropriate for a name but Laura is just too normal. Shame.

No. I am running an advice column, not a hug advertisement. Though, for a penny Toby'll give you a hug! (All proceeds go to Mr. Sweeney Todd, please pay via Mrs. Lovett found in Mrs. Lovett's Meat Pie Emporium on Fleet Street.)

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­Your...aquatint,

Grandma Sweeney.

**QUESTION #2**

Dear Grandma Sweeney,

How many fangirls gave tried to attack you?

One of them

Dear One of Them,

I approve of your name, be proud.

Many fangirls have tried to attack me, in fact, so many I have had to hire all of the ghosts of the people I've killed as bodyguards. If you know how to stop this madness of fangirls attacking me, please take evasive action! They're waiting outside as I speak. Oh no! Ghost down, ghost down!

Signing out,

Grandma Sweeney

**Was that good? If you don't tell me I can't fix it. Please review!**

**Your (hopefully) pal,**

**emoxmprint/Elena**


	3. Nun Chucks and Barberkill Classes

**Thanks for your reviews, all of them are really great and I'm glad you all like the story so far! The first question's from Avatar Luna and the second is from Twisted Ingenue**

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**Q.1:**

Dear Grandma Sweeney,

Do you think you could ever consider using your razors as, say, nun chucks or something? They could prove to be very useful in such cases. And may I say, I think they'd be unbeatable.

-a crazy fan who loves you

Dear a crazy fan who loves you,

I suppose I could use the precious razors of mine that I love so dearly as nun chucks, but what if they dented? Then I would only have 5! I would not use them as nun chucks because 1. I don't feel like tying them together and 2. Then I'd have to make up a song and nothing sounds very good ryhming with nun chucks.

-Grandma Sweeney

**Q.2:**

Dear Grandma Sweeney,

I've been watching you at your window. Anthony taught me how to do it properly. And I've admired your wicked barber skills for a LONG time. Can I be your apprentice? Please? Pretty please? I'd be good...and I'd clean up the blood for you!

Love,

Desperate Apprentice

Dear Desperate Apprentice,

Are you Perreli? Damn it! I thought I'd killed you! Anyways, you cannot be my apprentice unless you take Mr. T's Barbkiller Classes (form found on page 5) and get an A on your final exam in August. Have Fun!

-Grandma Sweeney

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**Are these too short? Send in more questions if you want them longer! Cuz, I'm sorry, but I'm not really good at making questions up. Have a great day!**

**Elena/emoxmprint 3**


	4. 5 questions of Sweenyness!

**Hi, don't feel so good today, so sorry if they suck a bit, but they're longer. I got all these from people of various pennames, but I can't find them because my computer's being slow. I'll be less careless next time! Sorry!**

**I decided to put in a disclaimer for once.**

**DISCLAIMER!!!: I am no one of importance to the making of Sweeney Todd, characters, London, etc.**

**----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

**Q.#1**

Dear Grandma Sweeney,

How did you not recognize your wife and daughter if they are all you think about? Also, I think that the politician is too greasy...

Selene

Dear Selene,

Well excuse me, but they aged a bit in those _15 years_ I haven't seen them. Gosh, you people are so mean! You remind me of my "dead" wife and my daughter being held captive by Judge pervTurpin then insult me about it!

And about the pies, I agree and shall tell Mrs.Lovett and once.

-Grandma Sweeney.

**Q.#2**

Dear Grandma Sweeney,

Do you mind if I draw you as an anime character, like a ninja or something? I think it would be totally cool and I would make you look really awesome and stuff. Plus, you'd get some sort of awesome power that has to do with razors. Please?

Yours,

An Anime Lover of Sorts

PS: Do you approve of my name?

Dear And Anime Lover of Sorts,

I approve of your name, but you could've left out the 'an' because it a bit awkward to write after 'Dear'.

I would enjoy being anime, I suppose. Depends on if my "awesome power" with razors includes killing Judge pervTurfin.Yes..that would work...

-Grandma Sweeney.

**Q.#3**

Dear Grandma Sweeney,

Why do you burst out into song at random times? It's quite unnerving to tell you the truth.

Sincerely,

She who must not be named

Dear She Who Must Not be Named,

I burst into song at random times? -sings- How could I not have known? Is singing not a choice of my own? Does someone write my words and ideas thought aloud In rhythmic verses written and wowed By little fangirls and little fanboys Playing with their emo Sweeney Todd toys? -stops singing- Naw, you must all be imagining it.

-Grandma Sweeney.

**Q.#4**

Dear Grandma Sweeney,

You always seem to know just the right thing to say. How would you feel if I offered to hire you to give me advice ALL the time (with the exception of when you are exacting revenge)? My friends and I would treat you well--give you a special room all to yourself for taking revenge on people. Please? Free room and board... I'll love you forever...

Signed,

Just A Tad-Bit Crazy Teenager

Dear Just A Tad-Bit Crazy Teenager,

I'm gonna have to say no, I've got a barber shop to run. -monotonous and rehearsed tone- But you've always got the advice column, and if you make a purchase from any advertisements in the Fleet Street Journal your question delivered first class for free.

-Grandma Sweeney

**Q.#5**

Dear Grandma Sweeney,

Has there been an incident where a fanguy has attacked you? Also, my sister has been trying to draw you for quite some time, but has a hard time and may need references. May she take your picture?

Your acquaintance,

Weeded Stony

PS: Do not rearrange my name.

Dear Weeded Stony,

Erm...interesting name choice...sorta weird...but whatever...

Yes, they attack me all the time because their girlfriends like me better than them. And then they all try to look like me and act like me! It sucks to be me. Gonna go sulk, my pictures all over google. Lovely, aren't I?

-Grandma Sweeney.

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**Yeah, It's still sorta short, but it's getting longer.**

**emoxmprint/Elena**


	5. Briefs!

**I have a snow day today, so I'm in a good writing mood:) These questions are from yayne, Astria07, Ms.Lovett Version 2.0, xlawa, disguisedxlies, and skaterpixie, in that order. Thanks to everyone! You have awesome questions, and if you sent one in yesterday and it didn't get answered that's cuz I didn't have room, sorry, it'll be in the next one. Anyway, hope you like the story!**

**-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q.#1**

Dear Grandma Sweeney,

I have noticed that you and the character Erik from the Phantom of the Opera have much in common, what are your thoughts on this?

-a person who didn't sign a name

Dear A Person Who Didn't Have A Name,

It makes me sad. Erik is an isolated, misunderstood freakish person. I, on the other hand, intentionally isolate myself from the world outside my victims and it only expected for me to be misunderstood. However, I do admit being a bit freakish at times, especially around potential costumers...

-Grandma Sweeney.

**Q.#2**

Dear Grandma Sweeney,

Boxers or briefs?

Love, Astria.

Dear Astria,

Um..this is a bit of a personal question, don't ya think. Oh well, the fangirls are about to break through the window anyway, so -drum roll please- briefs, boxers weren't invented yet.

-Grandma Sweeney

**Q.#3**

Dear Grandma Sweeney,

What would you do if the love of your life tried to kill you?

--love's avenger

Dear Love's Avenger,

If Lucy tried to kill me, I'd try to talk her out of it, but wouldn't hurt her, just lock her in the cellar. If it was Mrs. Lovett, I'd throw her into the fire. So it kinda depends on how you feel about the love of your life.

-Grandma Sweeney.

**Q.#4**

Dearest Grandma Sweeney,

Just before you beat that Pirelli fellow with the teapot, what kind of tea were you making?

Love,

The woman you often see gazing at you through your parlor window.

Dear Whatever Your Name Was,

The woman I often see gazing at me through my parlor window is Mrs. Lovett, so if that's you, Mrs. Lovett, you should be able to remember that you were making the tea. Alas, I don't know what kind, I don't pay attention to trivial things as this.

-Grandma Sweeney.

**Q.#5**

Dear Grandma Sweeney,

When did you become a grandma?!?! And why didn't you tell me?!?

-Your stalker. (I feel you.)

Dear Your Stalker,

I don't approve of your name, I am not your stalker! And, I became a grandma when this article was started, though I'm not really a grandma, it's just a pseudonym.

-(Not really a)Grandma Sweeney.

**Q.#6**

Dear Grandma Sweeney,

Do all of your razors have names? If so, what are they? What are you like when you're drunk? Have you considered anger management? Okay one more...ask Mrs Lovett where does she gets her hair done? I absolutely adore it. Thanks Grandma Sweeney(smiles sweetly)

-skaterpixie

Dear Skaterpixie,7

Yes, my razors all have names! There's Charles, William (Willy), Edward, Helen, Nellie, Elizabeth (Beth), and my favorite (the one I beat and kill Pirelli with) Sweeney Jr. I'm not sure what I'm like when I'm drunk, I just know I trip a lot and things are blurry. I-DON'T-NEED-ANGER-MANAGEMENT!!! And Anthony does Mrs. Lovett's hair...yeah, it's weird.

-Grandma Sweeney.

**-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Just wonderin', does Johanna die? I didn't think so, but some of my friends are saying she did. Thanks for reading!**

**emoxmprint/Elena**


	6. CANT THINK OF A NAME!

Hi, I'm tired, so this might not be the best, but it's better than nothing. Hope you don't hate it. SORRY, SORRY, SORRY, SORRY, SORRY!!!!! I forgot the names again, sooo sorry!!! Thanks anyway!

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Q.#1

Dear Grandma Sweeney,

Why does everyone get a shave at night are the people in London like closet shavers hmm makes a girl wonder.

-One That Did Not Include A Name

Dear Title Stated Above,

People get shaved at night because during the day, they work, then at 7 or 8ish, they all come to Mrs. Lovett's and my barber shop.

-Sweeney Todd

Q.#2

Dear Grandma Sweeney,

How do you feel about your movie being snubbed at the BAFTAs and Oscars?

-Love's avenger

Dear Love's Avenger,

WHAT! My life was made into a movie! And was snubbed! -paces and gets evil look on face- I think that I'll have to pay a little house call to the judges...

-Grandma Sweeney.

Q.#3

Dear Grandma Sweeney,

How do you find the time to keep an advice column going, shouldn't you be slitting throats or something? Also how was it spending a long boat journey with Antony, the sailor who is far too optimistic about life? Was it painful?

Send my regards to Mrs Lovett,

Asker of Questions

PS. Does my name get the Sweeney seal of approval?

Dear Asker of Questions,

Good job. You have earned the Sweeney Name Seal of approval. -Gives shiny trophy and "shakes you warmly by the hand"- Yay.

I donate my free time to this advice column because Mrs. Lovett says that it will get more costumers for me to "shave". Spending a long boat ride with Anthony was...quite frankly...agonizing. That boy sang ALL DAY LONG about how wonderful London is and writing lyrics love songs for various girl names so he could immediately sing about her. He finally quit when he got to -wince- Lucy and I threw him overboard.

-Grandma Sweeney

Q.#4

Dear Grandma Sweeney,

Did you really make Mrs Lovett's bedding rumpled, or was that just a fantasy she had?

Sincerely,

She who must not be named

Dear She Who Must Not Be Named,

It was just her fantasy...

-Grandma Sweeney

Q.#5

Dear Sweeney,

You do realize that you died in the end, Right? So what are you...a zombie(if you say vampire I'll marry you right here and now...)

Selene

Dear Selene,

When do I die? Are zombies real? And vampires? LUCY!!! -runs into street-

-Grandma Sweeney

Q.#6

My dearest Grandma,

Do you prefer gin or rum? Why does one of your razors share the same name with me?! What inspired your bathing suit choice? Are you deaf? Can you not hear Anthony singing song at the tops of his lungs about feeling up and kidnapping your daughter?! What would you do if all of us fangirls started singing I feel you Sweeney...I'll steal you Sweeney?

Your devoted granddaughter,

Elizabeth (the obsessive fangirl)

Dear Elizabeth,

I prefer gin. My razors were all named many years ago when Lucy decided to only have one child and we still had many good names to use. Lucy...-sobs and dies a bit inside-

My bathing suit was chosen by Mrs.Lovett, and I didn't mind it too much. I am not deaf, and of course I heard Anthony singing, he kept interrupting my song, but there wasn't much I could do and, compared to Judge pervTurpin, he is a good choice. And if fangirls began singing that, I would shut the windows and try to cut them off with singing about Johanna being various animals.

-Grandma Sweeney

Q.#7

Dear Grandma Sweeney,

Why did you kill almost everyone in London when you could have just marched over to Judge Turpin's house and killed him right there and then? Don't you think that would've been easier?

-Lazy Girl

Dear Lazy Girl,

Um...well...er...I was mad at London for being a big, black pit.

-Grandma Sweeney

Q.#8

Dear Grandma Sweeney,

How do you feel about your life being turned into plays, stories, musicals, and films, only to be seen as fiction? If I were you, I'd think I'd want to give a shave to some of the men who started them...

Signed,

She Who Learns Forgiveness, and TRIES to Forget

Dear She Who Learns Forgiveness and TRIES to Forget,

I enjoy my story being know and played by Johnny Depp.

-Grandma Sweeney

Q.#9

Dear Grandma Sweeney,

Will you marry me?

Damn Mrs. Lovett and Lucy!

No.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------On that note I shall end my sixth chapter. It sucked, but I'm glad I got it done.

Elena/emoxmprint


	7. UhSweeney's MAD!

**Okay I'm so sorry!! I'm, like, the worst ever! I've been busy with working, school, musical practice, friends, boyfriend, family, and my brother's been obsessed with YouTube lately so I couldn't get on, but I hope you all don't hate me!! **

**I have the people who sent in questions!! Thanks to SweetyPie50, xlawa, Ms.Lovett Version 2.0, Wicked Baker, BOOM! You're Dead! :D, WhiteInnocence, heartbreakxxvampire, DOOMED!!, Bellatrix5982, and Christine Erik. Thanks to all!! **

**-- **

Q.1

Dear Grandma Sweeney,

I noticed that on some of the Sweeney Todd movie posters it says "Never forgive, Never forget" do you actually say that in real life? If so, why is it so hard for you to forgive and forget?

-Lazy Girl

--

Dear Lazy Girl,

Um...what posters? And what's a 'movie'? "Never forgive and never forget"...it rings a bell. I believe that I heard Mrs. Lovett talking about "forgiving and forgetting," but I don't agree with that because THE JUDGE HAS GOT MY DAUGHTER AND MADE MY WIFE POISON HERSELF BY DOING _THINGS_...grr...excuse me! I do have regular outbreaks like that.

Also, I am not fond of your name, it doesn't fit your question. I believe I've gone over this! -sings/does a fancy pose-thing including razors- But I'll allow it.

-Grandma Sweeney

Q.2 

Grandma Sweeney,

How did you escape from the prisons of Australia?

Signed,

Someone Who Deserves to Die

--

Dear Someone Who Deserves To Die,

I quite like your name, it vaguely reminds me of a thought I had once...

To escape the prisons of Australia, I stole a small row boat and rowed for weeks. I think I was at the point of dying of thirst or hunger or sun exposure when Anthony's ship save me.

-Grandma Sweeney

Q.3 

Dear Sweeney,

May I aid you in killing those judges? A certain corseted-friend of mine has a question for you: Would you rather live alone WITHOUT Lucy all alone, or marry Mrs Lovett and give her the loving we all know she deserves?

Sincerely,

Love's Avenger and The Lady in The Dark Beside You(totally not Mrs Lovett)

--

Dear L.A.&T.L.I.T.D.B.Y.(t.n.M.L.),

Your name is very long!!

You may aid me in killing the non-Turpin judges and perhaps (if you prove yourself worthy) helping me plot Turpin's killing.

And to your corseted friend, of course I would chose Lucy! (me-TELL THE TRUTH!) Really. (TELL THE TRUTH!!) -grumbles- marry Mrs. Lovett.

-Grandma Sweeney

Q.4 

Dear Grandma Sweeney,

Since you have thrown Mrs. Lovett into the bake oven, would you be needing a new baker? I'm very handy in the kitchen, and don't mind getting my hands dirty. I also make smashing chocolates. Also, how did it feel to watch Mrs. Lovett burn? I imagine wonderful after finding out she lied to you just so she could have you to herself.

Sincerely,

The Wicked Baker

PS. I promise to also keep the fangirls at bay.

--

Dear The Wicked Baker,

I do not need a new baker, I can bake perfectly fine with only myself and the ghost of Pirelli. It's manly to bake pies!! (When they're made from human meat.) Your assistance would be better appreciated elsewhere, I suggest Mrs. Mooney's Pie Shop. I could hire you as a security guard though...

I felt monstrous watching Mrs. Lovett burn, but also victorious, overjoyed, and sad (because of Lucy's death.)

-Grandma Sweeney

Q.5 

Dear Grandma Sweeney(wow, saying that creeps me out),

Have you heard the -air quote- fans -end air quote- are pairing you with Judge Turpin? And Turpin, with letters scrambled around, is Turnip! Also, can I have a cookie?

Signed,

BOOM! You're Dead! :D

--

Dear Boom You're Dead,

Um, that is...the most...disgusting thing I have ever heard. He is the perviest man-whore on the whole planet of pedophile worm-dirt-eating-slugs. No mind cookie for you because you were the barer of this disgusting...thing, but I'll offer you a free shave!

-Grandma Sweeney

(a/n- Haha, Turnip!!)

Q.6

Dear Grandma Sweeney,

What kind of hair dye do you use for that sexy white streak in your hair? Cause I wanna modify my boyfriend...he looks very much like you.

Sincerely,

Crazy Hair Dye Freak

(does my name fit? I've actually got red hair! like, not burgundy like Mrs. Lovett, but like, fire red!)

--

Dear Crazy Hair Dye Freak,

I don't use hair dye, it's from years of stress and grievance. But if you want to modify him, try putting him in Australia for about fifteen years, his hair will be Sweeney-rific!!

Your name works very well, good job.

-Grandma Sweeney

Q.7

Dear grandma Sweeney,

I'm trying to write a Lovett/Todd story but i don't know how to write any thing about love and i suck. can i get a few pointers on your point of view.

- love story??

--

Dear Love Story,

To write a love story think about the real emotion. But that would not be the case between me and Mrs. Lovett, more just Mrs. Lovett.

-Grandma Sweeney

Q.8

Dear Grandma Sweeney,

Did you hear they are selling your razors on E-Bay? I just needed to tell you!

Your Warning Fan,

DOOMED!

--

Dear Doomed,

What is Ebay? MY RAZORS!! 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, whew! They must be imitations, thank goodness!

-Grandma Sweeney

Q.9 

Dear Grandma Sweeney,

I was thinking that you were a lot like voldemort you both kill random people, have women who absolutely adore you but never notice them, get killed by boys who are like 5 times younger than you. so are you also gay?

-Bellatrix5982

--

Dear Bellatrix 5982,

I am not gay, I was MARRIED!! Besides I have a nose, normal (a/n-HAWT!!3) clothes, and hair. So...yeah, there's a difference.

-Grandma Sweeney

Q.10

Dear Grandma Sweeney,

How easy is it to flatter you? Even if we can't marry you could we possibly rent you or something? Just to be around you? An arm's length away? These other fangirls (who for some reason can't type) want me to ask you if they can pay for you to allow them to bask in your presence. Is this too weird?

Signed,

B. Barker

--

Dear B. Barker,

Why do you have the same initials as me- I mean my old friend? Quite odd.

It is very easy to flatter me, getting me to show that flattery is a whole different story, though. Um, no, you can't rent me. You can find me around Fleet Street, come for a meat pie, or a shave. This is too weird, goodbye.

-Grandma Sweeney.

**-- **

**And that would be the end to this chapter. Sorry again! I'll try to update sooner next time, but I have this big placement test going on for 2 weeks, so...yeah. But I'll at least try for once a week. **

**Review, please!! You will be loved dearly3 **

**-Elena/emoxmprint**


	8. Mispelling of RESPECT

**Meh...I really don't feel like writing, but I've already procrastinated too long. **

**I would have done it before, but Monday I had lots of drama from breaking up with my boyfriend so I was on the phone til like midnight, Tuesday I had play practice til 5 then babysitting, Wednesday I had a dress rehearsal to 5:30 and was too exhausted. Thursday was practice til 3:30 and I'd planned to hike with my friend Adrian and that lasted about 4 hours, Friday was opening night and dinner for celebration. I had another act tonight and a party til 11, but yeah, I've waited too long.**

**And also, I know Voldemort isn't gay, he acts like it, though. So I didn't skip the question. And by the way, in case you didn't notice yet, I don't come up with the questions. People send them in. That is the names right under this, so don't get mad at me for questions.**

**The questioniers (questionaires? questioners?) are ****Shadowstar513, Flipflopper333, Cupkae11, Aimee Waimee, curiosity, Lucy, disguisedxlies, Bloody Pumpkinhead, friska-freak,CaptainESavvy, and Wolfy the Ironic Ninja.**

**Thanks to everyone who helped and sorry to the questions I didn't use or cut shorter.**

**--**

**Q.1**

Dear Grandma Sweeney (God, that's weird),

Do you like broccoli? I know it sounds random, but I just wanted to know, because I hate it! Also, which do you like better, cats or dogs? Dogs are loud and excitable, but cats get in the way and knock over stuff. So, which one? Also, a repeat of my last question. I look a little like Mrs. Lovett if my hair is the right way. So... if you came back to life and saw me, would you, like, toss me into an oven or something?

-Lovett Look Alike and Also Not A Fan Girl

P.S. The Judge is really... Messed up! I hate him. What would be better than killing him is sending him to Australia for years and seeing what he's like after a taste of his own medicine! Also, I bet he wouldn't get an awesome white streak in his hair!

--

Dear Lovett Look Alike and Also Not A Fan Girl,

I eat whatever, so I don't really care. I like dogs better, they're loyal and trustful. If I saw who simply _looked_like Mrs. Lovett I would have enough sense not to toss her into an oven, of course if the person _acted_ like her, I might be quite tempted. I would absolutely adore the sight of Turpin trying to survive on Australia as a convict.

-Grandma Sweeney

--

**Q.2**

Dear Grandma Sweeney,

Have you every tried to kill Harry Potter? It would be a good challenge! He would make a great meat pie... Would you ever get dread locks, tie items into your hair, dress like a pirate, steel a ship and start drinking rum instead of gin? Would you ever consider using a sword instead of a razor? Wouldn't you be a grandpa not a grandma?

Love,

The Girl Who Lived (because she didn't go for a shave.)

--

Dear The Girl Who Lived (Because She Didn't Go For A Shave.),

I don't know who Harry Potter is, but I'm willing to give him a shave. Um...I could not see that happening, me being a pirate. Just too, odd. And a sword...just not for me. Mrs. Lovett came up with my name, I really don't want to do this at all but, yeah...she's the boss.

-Grandma Sweeney

--

**Q.3**

Dear Grandma Sweeney,

Have you ever read fics where you end up marrying Mrs. Lovett? Would you ever consider marrying Mrs. Lovett? Do you know she loves you? And! What do you have to say to us Sweenett yes, that's you and Mrs. Lovett fans?

From,

Aimee.

--

Dear Aimee,

No, I've never read a fanfic at all. It did cross my mind, briefly, that we could be...happy, but Anthony brought me back to my senseful numbness where there cannot be love or happiness. To the Sweenett fans I have one thing to say, don't tell her anything I've said in this answer.

-Grandma Sweeney

--

**Q.4**

Dear Grandma Sweeney,

Hypothetical question: If you were to one day wake up next to Mrs. Lovett in her bed, what would you do?

-curiosity

--

Dear Curiosity,

Um, I wouldn't. But I really don't know. I'd have to have been drugged, in which case I'd probably toss her in the grinder or stove or something.

-Grandma Sweeney

--

**Q.5**

Dear Grandma Sweeney,

I was wondering as soon as you had killed lucy the first words you spoke were "you lied to me" does that prove that you cared more about Mrs. Lovett lying than Lucy being dead?

Lucy (that seriously is my name)

--

Dear Lucy,

The first thing I said when I found out I killed Lucy was "'Don't I know you,' She said." I cared much more about Lucy.

-Grandma Sweeney

--

**Q.6**

Hey there GRANDMA SWEENEY! :O

What would you do if I dyed your white stripe pink and put flower decals on your razors? I would NEVER do that though. I love you way too much. ;D But some other creepy... person would. I BET TURPIN WOULD. :O ANYSHWAYS.

LOVELOVELOVELOVE,

Viki, your lover! :D

--

Dear...Viki,

You annoy me, I shan't answer.

-Grandma Sweeney

--

**Q.7**

Dear Grandma Sweeney,

Did you know that your last name is a lot like the German word 'tod', which means death...? I think that's cool, because you are kinda... cause of death to your unlucky customers. It's freckin' cool. Do you agree with me?

-Your Loving Stinky Sock

--

Dear..Sock,

That's exactly why I chose my name. I suppose you could call it cool.

-Grandma Sweeney

--

**Q.8**

Dear Grandma Sweeney,

Do you think that Mrs. Lovett is a pretty woman? P.S. Do ya like me name?

Your loyal servant,

Bloody Pumpkinhead

--

Dear Bloody Pumpkinhead,

I have no comment on your first question, but your name's vaguely familiar.

-Grandma Sweeney

--

**Q.9**

Dear grandma Sweeney,

Anyway, when Mrs Lovett said "we could get by." you looked like you were really going to say something (of course anthony had to go ruin the moment as usual). I'm curious... what were you going to say? Also one more thing... how did it feel like to kill the judge? (sly grin)

From,

Maybe A Bit Insane

PS: What do think of my name?

--

Dear Maybe A Bit Insane,

Like I said earlier, I did see some hope. I wasn't planning on what to say, I was waiting to blurt something out without thinking for once and just see what would happen. And I felt wonderful and exhilerated when I killed the judge, but also sad for Lucy.

-Grandma Sweeney

--

**Q.10**

Dear Grandma Sweeney,

I was wondering if you knew if Mrs. Lovett was a cannibal? Since of course, she did make pies out of human bodies. And were you ever curious of what were the ingredients of Mrs. Lovett's pies when you first came into her shop? And the last question, -smiles- Do you like your hair?

Sincerely,

I Like Your Hair, It's Hot.

--

Dear I Like Your Hair It's Hot,

Mrs. Lovett is not a cannibal. She's too much a lady for that, she doesn't eat much that I know of, just gin and tea. I didn't and don't ever want to know what Mrs. Lovett's pie ingredients were. Yes, -grins and blushes in a way that's so out of character it should be illegal- I like my hair.

-Grandma Sweeney

--

**Q.11**

Dear Grandma Sweeney,

Could you come visit my city and get rid of some of the vermin there? There are plenty of fangirls who wish that they could've killed Lucy themselves, as well as a few pervy teachers and judges who wanted to "do her" in, if you will. Also, may I come live with you? I absolutely love blood and watching you slit the vermin's throats and having the precious rubies spray everywhere. Plus, I know how to get out bloodstains really well, and I will willingly help Mrs. Lovett in the bakehouse too.

Yours truly (or falsely),

Bloody Razors of the Past

P.S. Do you like my name?

--

Dear Bloody Razors of the Past,

I would rather not leave the town of Lucy's residence and eventually death. But send your vermin here and I'll take care of them in a flash.You may not live with me. And I do like you name.

-Grandma Sweeney

--

**Q.12**

Dear Grandma Sweeney,

Have you read any of the raunchy/sex-filled fanfics about you and Mrs. Lovett? (a/n- I've gotten quite a few like this one.)

-Crazy Stalker Person (who watches you from her house across the road)

--

Dear Crazy Stalker Person,

Uh, something suddenly came up! Goodbye!

-Grandma Sweeney

**--**

**Like I said, I'm not in the mood to write, but please review and vote in the poll on my profile. Buhbye.**

**-Elena/emoxmprint.**


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